Four months.

October 29th. This is the time of the month that is my favorite. When I go outside and it's slightly wet and foggy and I have to warm up my car for a few minutes. Where I can come into my cozy bedroom and turn on my Christmas lights and cuddle in bed with the window opened just a crack. It's also the worst time. I have been sick all week, well for almost two weeks actually. I'm constantly tired, slightly nauseous, dizzy when I stand up, my head is foggy. This happens every year, every fall as soon as the weather gets colder. It usually lasts about a week and goes away. I've been basically bed ridden all day today. It got worse on Sunday and I'm barely starting to feel a little better. I'm able to eat. I had my first full meal in three days yesterday and again today. However, it was only one meal, and unfortunately there's nothing to eat in the house. I at least have a banana so that should help a little. These past three weeks have been a little difficult. Not necessarily bad, just difficult. I don't know. I just feel so unmotivated. I have no desire to do anything, I can barely focus on school. It's bad. It's pretty bad. I'm doing a lot better than I have this past year, but now I just feel like not doing anything at all. Maybe it's just a side effect. Or maybe I'm just burnt out. I never had a break from school in over a year, and things are just going too fast for me. I feel like I'm living in a fog, like I mentally checked out. Maybe I should speak to Dr Kearns about this, I am supposed to see him soon. I just.. I don't know what I feel. I have so much that I want to say, but yet I fear I will say too much and not enough. I sometimes wonder why God made me the way I am. He must know how difficult it would be on me. Why I think the way I think, why I am the way I am, why I cannot conform myself into this person that everyone wants me to be. What makes me so different? And why is it so hard to fit in? I have so many questions. My mind is in turmoil, and yet it is still. I cannot explain it, it's like a war inside of myself. Maybe it's just another side effect. Anyways the hour is late and sleep is calling. Off I go.